


life isn't measured in achievements

by kisahawklin



Series: Supernatural Season 13 Tagathon [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas validation, Episode: s13e14 Good Intentions, Feelings, Gen, I just like Sam and Cas interacting okay, Sam validation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 12:04:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13857414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: So I need to rewatch this episode closely because honestly the boys have gotten REALLY WEIRD about human deaths, and I am having trouble with it. Last season they killed humans with impunity, which bothered the hell out of me. This is not a show about killing humans. There are laws, for one thing, and ETHICS/MORALITY for another, and I feel like Sam's just been... a paper thin representation of himself for a couple of seasons now, and I'm tired. I want more.But anyway, addressing... *hands* ...the whole Donatello situation.





	life isn't measured in achievements

It's late. He should go to bed. Dean went, over an hour ago now. Sam's feeling raw, though, and that usually means insomnia, and nothing is worse than lying around in bed and not being able to sleep.

"Sam."

Cas's voice is hard. Sam wishes it wasn't, he doesn't want Cas to be hard now. The image of Donatello in the chair flashes in the back of his mind.

"Yeah," Sam says, closing one book and pulling another out of the stack. Maybe switching to a different ingredient will give him some juice.

"Sam, please look at me."

That startles him, and he looks up. When he sees the hard set of Cas's shoulders, he knows why he hasn't been looking at Cas. He takes Cas in, waits for a moment to see if Cas is going to say anything else, raises his eyebrows, even, begging the question. Cas doesn't say anything and Sam returns to his book.

"I'm sorry," Cas says, once Sam's eyes aren't on him anymore. Sam fights the urge to look up. He knows shame, and he wants to be kind to Cas if he can. 

"I don't regret it. I can't. But I am sorry that my handling of Donatello was painful for you."

So not even an apology. Sam shakes his head. "I appreciate your concern for my _feelings_." 

Most holy man, _most_ holy. What makes one man holier than another?

"I do have concern for your feelings, Sam. But even if we had time to consider Donatello's problem, no one can recreate souls. Perhaps God, if he were here, or Amara could give him back some semblance of what she took. It was an untenable situation."

Sam sighs. He's actually more practical than people think. It's not that he doesn't understand the dire situation and the best good possible in a given situation. It was Cas's words. "I understand, Cas. And Dean's the one that you're going to have to fight that battle with. I know why you did what you did, and I don't think you were wrong. Dean's black and white. He's the one with lines you don't cross. I don't have that luxury, never have."

Sam chances a look up, trying to gauge Cas's reaction to this news. His face is less set, the determination faltering just a little. Sam doesn't want that. He's sad about Donatello, but he understands that part of it. "If it helps, I probably would have done the same thing, if I had the power." Dean being unable to breathe scared him in a way he hasn't been scared for a long time.

Cas tilts his head, considering Sam. It takes most people a second to realize he and Dean aren't monolith, they do not believe the same things, even if they have a similar stance on a given issue. Cas knows them better than most, so Sam gives him a moment.

Cas hangs his head. "I said he could not be saved."

Bingo.

"I'm so sorry, Sam." Cas looks like he wants to move, and Sam can't quite figure out why until he leans over the table to take Sam's hands in his own. Sam looks down at them, his hands in Cas's iron grip.

"Look at me, Sam Winchester."

Sam looks up, and the determination burning in Cas's eyes takes his breath away. "Everyone _deserves_ to be saved." 

Sam swallows hard. He can feel tears well up and he doesn't want this, he doesn't want to reveal this weakness to Cas. 

" _You_ deserved to be saved, and you will always deserve it. Any lengths Dean or I go to are deserved. Do you understand?"

When Sam nods, the tears spill down his face and he stares down at the table. Cas puts one hand on his face, gently smudging away the tear. "You are worthy, Sam. And I regret my actions have caused you pain, but I regret more that my words have caused you doubt."

Sam closes his eyes, letting just a few more tears fall as he tries not to press his face against Cas's palm. He feels the grace Cas gently caresses him with, though he's sure Cas thinks he's being subtle. Sam's just too attuned to grace, after everything. 

His eyes open slowly when he tries, like he's drowsy. "You should sleep," Cas says. "I will continue to research."

Sam nods, pushing back his chair. "By the way, Cas," Sam says, throwing it over his shoulder as he leaves the room because his emotions are way too close to the surface to admit this to Cas's face. "I'm pretty sure you were brought back because _we_ needed you – Jack, Dean and me. Not heaven, or the world, or whatever. Just us."

He hears Cas take in a sharp breath, but he hurries away because who knows what might happen if he stays.


End file.
